I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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