Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
