When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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