getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Randomize
