Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
