worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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