my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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