You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
