I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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