it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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