I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
