Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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