My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
