I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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