fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
