Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
