I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
