The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
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