I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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