so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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