I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
