theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
