The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
