I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
