i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
