Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
