I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
