Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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