How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
