I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
