i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
