Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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