ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
