Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
