I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
