dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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