The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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