Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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