My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
