tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize