I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
