Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
