She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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