I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
