I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
