life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
