I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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