we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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