The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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