I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
