Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
