So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
