God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
