Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
