Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
