I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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