VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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