I can text with my tongue
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
