You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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