I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
