Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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