My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
operation harelip BJ is a go
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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