Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
