So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
